Ex-Roommate...

She's the only one that scares me to death.  And I mean literally scare me.  My heart pounds as if I'm expecting a serial killer.  I can't wait till I'm gone, I'll never have to deal it her again.  Granted she robbed from me several things that I would like to get back, but there is no point... I'll never get them back from her.  Especially all the friends that she's turned on me...  She weaves this web of lies and makes you feel a sense of comfort, enough to warrant you to hang up your coat and stay awhile.

And I did, I hung up my coat.  I thought she was a great friend.  She accepted me for who I was, we enjoyed our time together.  Could play off of one another. But she was just digging the hole and I willingly kept stepping in one foot at a time.  Now she's buried me.

I literally feel sick to my stomach when I hear that front door open.  It pains me in so many ways... she tortures me...

Mentally the doubt is never gone.  Fear is corporeal.

Another Way to Play

If you've been wondering where I've been, no need to fear I am still on this earth.  Not that any of you have actually put anything close to a complete thought into where I could be.  But it's okay, I forgive you ^_^

Anyway... I've started another blog.  About a trip I'm taking, if you're interested, feel free to look.  I am only two posts in, there will be more, I'm sure of it.

This blog, I will write in it as I feel like it.

TTFN

Lost in Space

Googled: Today's Horoscope for Capricorn

Results: 10 websites ... every single one says something different...

I don't see how 10 different things can be happening in one day (you know what I mean).  I guess we can pick and chose who will foretell our day.  It is a tad bit annoying.  I know one shouldn't rely on such a silly thing as a horoscope, for the stars are hard things to read, but I find reading my horoscope interesting.  It may not always be relevant to my day as it is, but perhaps in other aspects of life.  I seem to find good advice slipped in by the star readers, perhaps even advice I wouldn't have thought of myself.

I remember growing up getting the newspaper and tearing out the comics, then searching for the horoscopes.  I'd read them for fun, not entirely paying attention, but they were there and I'm sure I never totally understood them anyway.  But alas, I really had no direction for this post... so yeah...

*insert a cool quote about 'the stars' here*

Pioneers live In their Adventures

I know I haven't written in a while and I really don't have much to talk about.  I mean this weekend was nice.  A friend came to visit and stayed a couple nights.  It was good to see her again and most likely will be the last time for quite a while.  It is a sad fact.  I will be moving away from a lot of good friends.  But what I am moving towards is something better.  It's also interesting to think that I'm actually going to move.  I feel that the information has not sunk in yet, and at the same time it has.  I know what to make of it, but I don't know how I'm going to react to it.

I just wish I had a bit more time because there is a lot of people I wish I could say goodbye to in person but will most likely not be able to.  Like my nana and papa (mom's dad and step-mom), I'll probably actually only get a good half hour in to say hellos and goodbyes.  But I do plan to stay in touch and visit.  Just like I promised my dad and my grammie (mom's mom).  Though I should probably call my grandma (dad's mom) , I haven't talked to her in ages.

All my family is on the east coast and I'm moving out west.  Almost like the old american pioneers, but I'll already have gold, I won't have to search for it.

Silence to Sound and Silence Again.

I love just getting out of the shower, feeling all clean and refreshed.  I always have a fresh mind after a relaxing cleanse. The last day I was able to shower was Sunday and now it is Tuesday evening.  So it was much needed.  But I do have an excuse.  Sunday I showered before my shift, dried and actually straightened my hair, which is a very rare and special occurrence for me.  Nonetheless, I went to work looking rather nice.  Then went home, slept, got up, went to work on Monday.  Before this shift, however, I had a slight breakdown concerning finances and what not, so I contacted a friend who lives much closer to work than I (I live 30 minutes from work, she: 10 minutes) and asked if I could stay the night Monday because I had an early morning shift today.  She agreed, so I packed a bag and went to work.  It was a short shift of 4 hours and when done, friend came around to pick up a few things and to lead me back to her place, after a quick stop at a gas station for dinner.  Once at her place, we sat down and pulled out the laptops.  I, of course, brought mine.  We did our own thing silently for a little while, before the internet decided it was going to shut off.  Y'know it is amazing what happens when computers aren't involved: we actually started a conversation!  It was pretty funny when we realized that this actually occurred.  Though shortly after we decided it was bed time.

Next morning I begrudgingly woke up to an early alarm and got dressed, then surely and quietly escaped into the waking dawn.  It was a peaceful short drive.  The way back home not so much.  But hey, I had a good day at work.

Silver and Gold, Hot and Cold.

I'm starting to feel disconnected.  Not from reality, as it does appear that I am in love with my computer, but from family and friends.  Rarely do I stay in touch with family, because they are all busy with their own lives and mine is headed off in another direction.  And as of late, I feel that I can't turn towards my family for help, that I've outcast myself from my homestead.  So slowly I'm started to make myself believe that I'm running away from the ruins to some place safer, but in truth I am taking huge steps to my dream.  My dream of settling down with the one I love and starting a promising future for her and I.  It is a massive step, a thousand mile step to start anew.  but that story is for another blog and another time.

My friends, the new and old, I'm walking away from.  Though this is nothing strange for me, as I have moved several times in my short life.  Friends come and go, they say, but sometimes there are those who touch much deeper in a heart.  I have very few of those who are in my ninth level of love. I can name them, I won't here for anonymous sake, but I know who they are and that is what matters.  These are the types of friends I can rely on to be there if I truly need them, but I do not need them all the time.  We are the friends that don't have to talk for a few months and when do reconnect, not a day has gone by.  We hold no grudge for not talking to each other, as we know we both have very busy lives.  But the people I've met along this journey, though friends and will be remembered, will slowly lose their touch on me.  I will stay in contact for a little while, then surely we will only see each other's notifications on facebook and not care anymore than that.

It's a sad fact how things will come and go, but those that matter will cling to your heart strings.

Be humble, be true, be grateful.

A new day in a white room.  It's rather unsettling actually to see how bland my life looks from the place I live.  I guess I should be used to it, every time my family moved to a new house, I was never allowed to put anything on the walls, paint or posters.  The reasoning: we're just going to be moving again soon, why bother to decorate.  You see, I'm a proud army brat and my father, a lieutenant colonel, raised me to be versatile and adaptive.  I learned how to live on the little I had and out of boxes and bags.  I learned the value of my belongings as it was the only things that I did have.  To me, as a kid growing up with my dad, toys were irreplaceable.  If it broke and couldn't be fixed, it was gone forever and I would miss it greatly.  The things given to me by family members I held highly.  Every single stuffed animal I was given throughout my life, I still have to this day, granted in a box, but they are safe and well.  I learned how to stitch just to fix up the ones I preferred the most, and to keep my clothes together.  The longer you can keep clothes, the less money (that you don't have) spent on buying new ones.

Right now if I went through the boxes under my bed or in my closet, I could tell you were I got each trinket and most likely from whom.  I am hard pressed to throw anything out that has even the smallest meaning to me, regardless if it is useful or not.  It would seem I am the type of person to do scrap-booking, but I haven't the time, nor do I take pictures (I don't own a camera, never had, I make do without).

Truthfully, I feel that if I don't save my material memories, I would forget.  I would forget where I am from and what has made me the person I am today.  I can't have that.  I've worked too hard to hold myself together with boxes, bags and thread.

"Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places where other people see nothing." ~ Camille Pissarro